I Don’t Remember

I don’t remember waking up

I don’t remember falling asleep

I don’t remember confining bathroom passes

Overcomplicated locker combinations

Nor sleep and knowledge deprivation 

The final project a distant memory

My extra homework left unfinished 

Winter break silently shuffling through

Easter sneaking past

My birthday left in a delusional past

What happened to me?

Where I ran off my schedule like it was coffee

And did homework like it pot and weed

Getting high off essays and short answers

Endless nights being away from my melancholy memory

A daily regiment of asserting a learning pain

Tears cutting my throat and drowning my notes

A year pasted, not an inch grown

And I don’t remember it

Vibrato your finger up in second position A

Use more evidence for your synthesis essay

Titrate the pink solution slowly

The hypothalamus a key for memory

The doctor is ready to see you

My medication isn't stealing my memory is it?

I can’t remember if I even had medication

Blurred tears behind stained glass

Smeared math problems over taking the walls

Lost voices echoing the halls

What am I doing?

I can't remember…

I can’t remember the first day nor my last

I can't remember a thing 

I can’t remember singing for my audition

Or scouring the library for a comp clue

I don’t remember struggling at lunch to eat in front of strangers

Or passing out in a back room

I don’t remember screaming and crying in the bathroom

Or from being told by that boy in my class that “no one cares what you say”

I don’t remember the talent show I poetically performed in 

Nor the art show I hosted

Being on the princals list for the 7th time in a row

Or praying each winter night, let it snow

I don’t remember going to my counselor and asking for help

Nor going to my friend's door at 2 am Banging down the shutter yelling

Don’t kill yourself

I can’t remember  the week before prom 

Where it dawned on me that I still had acne

Or giving my speech to be media coordinator for honor Society

I don’t remember my AP tests

Leaving me without food or guided rest

I don’t remember getting my poetry published

Or my religious benefactor reestablished

I don’t remember my first poetry slam 

Where my man asked me on a date

That big night, where all my fright disappeared 

I don’t remember 

And I don’t understand

Ive read my poetry diary 3 times over

Once for rhyming

Twice for Diction

And thrice for metaphors

And I don’t understand

I don't understand how I passed AP chemistry

I don’t understand the words the hospital said to me

I don't understand why people keeping looking at me

Can you see the anxiety?

Can you see my lost memories?

Maybe they left my head to statin tattoos on my skin

Maybe all the times I tried to be an angle I sinned

Maybe I’m just Paris in Romeo and Juliet

The conceited fool who only considered himself

Maybe i'm like theophilus North

Running away from home to find another but getting lost all over again

Maybe I’m not such a fair lady as Eliza Doolittle 

Because I change for other people to like me more, but I doesn’t help my life unlike her 

I don’t remember solemn songs for seniors

Or pep talk for freshmen

Where a simple hello or goodbye everyday

To every face meant something 

But not anymore

I'm so sorry

I see your face

And I feel your smile

And I hear your voice call my name

But I don’t remember

Are you the only person who stood at my orchestra concert

Or that kid in line that helped me make slime

Were you at mass with my sister during communion 

Maybe at my national honor society inauguration

Either way I don’t remember

Instagram and Calendars documenting my life for the past year

Baby sitting a dog named taco because the owners got evicted

Being nominated for homecoming court with dickhead

A post apocalyptic disney princess for halloween

Feeling restless in between the day and night of christmas eve

Visiting colleges across the state

Having my grammy come from across the nation

Buying my gecko coral and keeping him warm when our heater went out for a week

Asking someone out even when I was meak 

Knitting hats for homeless children in winter

Visiting my sister grave, I miss her

Why can’t I remember what has happened

Or has nothing happened and I’m just sleeping

Have I not changed nor matured at all

Have I only just begun my fall

My head screaming, finger peeling

Am I rotting away without a sense of time

My memory dulled from the once divine

I can’t separate this minute from the last

I'm living in the now

But forgetting my past

I don’t remember what I did

Nor do I remember where I went

I don’t remember who I was

Please forgive me