The Fall

At the top of the building I stand
Made up on a crumbling column of dreams and a sharp intricate spire of doubt
I stand on the very top

The sharp edges of mute whispers and quiet screaming cutting into my bare feet making them raw
Down below is the blackness.

The blackness that sits in the corners of my bedroom at night

The blackness of the stained ink in the valleys of my finger prints
An inky blackness that seeps and stains anything it touches

My skin a canvas of black and blue, not from the bruises that others have given

But permanent wounds I have inflicted on myself

Because I love the pain
And I hate myself
But below this darkness,

Is the floor, a delicate place where you must tip toe
Every wrong move or pressure results in a crack, then a split, then a chasm
A spiderweb of cracks lacing the floor, letting the boiling waters seep up to the surface
I know what's down there
Pleasureful pain
Staring down from where I stand I can see it

All these patterns etched into the thin layer that holds me from the beneath the below
I could break it
But if I do break it what would happen?
The tops of the spires cutting into my feet like razor blades

Letting my red blood run down the smooth reflective sides of my uneven tower
This is my home
Where I walk on broken glass of virtues
And I dodge bullets of truth
Here I hide
Down below is dangerous

It's where I want to be
My mind wanders as a drop of water from below floats up to me
Settling on my nose

Starting a motion that results in a snowball effect of a crazy idea
Can I fly?
Pushing off

I accept sharp blades cuts and take in every hole from each bullet
As I attempt to fly
But fall
Past the stinging black mist
And hitting the floor which give way underneath me
Shattering into a million pieces

Flying out in all directions
Reflecting back at me different images of myself

I hate them all
I slip under the water which tugs and pulls at my hair and my clothes
Stealing my breathe
I can't fly
But can I swim?
I thrash scared of what's around me

This water is so bright compared to the darkness above
My tears intermixing with the fluid that curves around me

Cradling me
I call out and gasp for air
Finding I can’t breathe
But I can see
Colors, all around me

And I can hear

the music filling me

But I do not feel
I do not feel any pain
But this is strange and it is scary
Being by myself
Pushing myself to the surface I find I cannot reach it

My hand meeting a smooth surface
Grey forms with familiar faces look down at me and laugh and scowl and yell
All people I know and recognize
I gag and I choke and I cry
For I am drowning in what I am
And I hate it

I hate me
I miss the dark building that cut me and hurt me
Because there I was accepted and here I am ridiculed
And I am in selfish pain
But I am happy

Happy with myself