Gray

I am the color gray
Where there is no care either way
A smudged color of a fingerprint
Without any tint
An absence of color and feeling
Like I am falling
I lay, seeing things walk around me
Grey forms surrounding is all I see
I don't know what is wrong
My voice won't make songs
My tongue won't make words
All of my creativity blurred
I feel empty, I feel dead
With all this nothingness in my head

Broken Anticaption

You know the feeling of anticipation?

When you mind is doing a complete rotation.

And excitement dancing up your back.

Your heart beating so fast it might have an attack.

And when your breathing is fierce,

and your eyes are sprouting tears.

And you jump for joy,

and fall to the ground,

with disappointment.

Your mind now stuck on 360 wondering, what happened?

Your heart blackens,

as you grit your teeth.

Trying to send those angry tears back beneath,

your eyes, which are now blurry and frantic with rage.

All thoughts trapped in a selfish cage.

I didn't expect this.

Why do I have this?

It's not what I wanted.

I don't understand.

You got my hopes so hung up on this idea,

I couldn't see another outcome.

I’m so disappointed.

This entire thing now is pointless,

But you are hung up on the details.

My mind is spinning fairy tales,

where I could have gotten my happy ending,

but that in itself is condescending.

Because you put in the time and effort,

to give this gift to to me, it is quite clever.

And I’m just too daft to look past the disgust sitting on my nose.

Maybe if I went in with a clear head I would have known,

and I would have appreciated it more.

But I guess I didn't.

And now the beauty of this gift is finished,

because I torn at it with my words,

screamed things that were absurd.

And I am sorry.

For is have ruined your masterpiece,

in order to fulfill my selfish needs.

Sanctuary

My poetry
My sanctuary
A temple safe from reality

Do not take your stone axes to these pillars I have carved
For this is my home land and not yours

You don't have to bow down or adore
Look right over there is the door
Leave

As I stand here and believe in the power of my words
Granted to me the scriptures

That was made up in my head
With all these sayings to shed

A bird molting old feathers to grow anew
A scab forming in order to heal

A place for me to reside
When I have no one to stand beside

A voice out to people
About the loneliness in my steeple

A shiver down my spine
Whenever I imagine something so divine
Not divinity from the above heavens

As this world rapes away my virginity
But not the kind played out in back alleys or in a bed
But the ideas and thoughts running through the dark passages in my head

Have you seen these lines under my eye
And seem how much I have tried

Limping forward with both arms numb
Trying to carry all I have done

My family, friends and lovers have bleed
To have my head covered in lead

To lock in all these uncomfortable feelings
To stop me from believing

And here I kneel at the pew
Crying and screaming and trying to decide what to do

Climbing the steps
I stumble and slip and fall

Dear god help me
For I am falling
I do not fear the fall is self
But what happens after

My story can't end yet
I can't just let my words go
Lingering here for this show
Of my emotions and beliefs

For I have a personal poetic prophecy
And without it I am lost you see
My words are my bible
And my tongue speaking my gospel

I will travel
And dapple
In all others stories and desperate cries
As I hold my poems to me even as I die

Poetry is my sanctuary
It keeps me from losing my sanity
Allowing my words to be spilled out on a page

It holds me close as I cry
And allows me to continue trying
To fit my tiny sanctuary
Into this crazy reality

The Fall

At the top of the building I stand
Made up on a crumbling column of dreams and a sharp intricate spire of doubt
I stand on the very top

The sharp edges of mute whispers and quiet screaming cutting into my bare feet making them raw
Down below is the blackness.

The blackness that sits in the corners of my bedroom at night

The blackness of the stained ink in the valleys of my finger prints
An inky blackness that seeps and stains anything it touches

My skin a canvas of black and blue, not from the bruises that others have given

But permanent wounds I have inflicted on myself

Because I love the pain
And I hate myself
But below this darkness,

Is the floor, a delicate place where you must tip toe
Every wrong move or pressure results in a crack, then a split, then a chasm
A spiderweb of cracks lacing the floor, letting the boiling waters seep up to the surface
I know what's down there
Pleasureful pain
Staring down from where I stand I can see it

All these patterns etched into the thin layer that holds me from the beneath the below
I could break it
But if I do break it what would happen?
The tops of the spires cutting into my feet like razor blades

Letting my red blood run down the smooth reflective sides of my uneven tower
This is my home
Where I walk on broken glass of virtues
And I dodge bullets of truth
Here I hide
Down below is dangerous

It's where I want to be
My mind wanders as a drop of water from below floats up to me
Settling on my nose

Starting a motion that results in a snowball effect of a crazy idea
Can I fly?
Pushing off

I accept sharp blades cuts and take in every hole from each bullet
As I attempt to fly
But fall
Past the stinging black mist
And hitting the floor which give way underneath me
Shattering into a million pieces

Flying out in all directions
Reflecting back at me different images of myself

I hate them all
I slip under the water which tugs and pulls at my hair and my clothes
Stealing my breathe
I can't fly
But can I swim?
I thrash scared of what's around me

This water is so bright compared to the darkness above
My tears intermixing with the fluid that curves around me

Cradling me
I call out and gasp for air
Finding I can’t breathe
But I can see
Colors, all around me

And I can hear

the music filling me

But I do not feel
I do not feel any pain
But this is strange and it is scary
Being by myself
Pushing myself to the surface I find I cannot reach it

My hand meeting a smooth surface
Grey forms with familiar faces look down at me and laugh and scowl and yell
All people I know and recognize
I gag and I choke and I cry
For I am drowning in what I am
And I hate it

I hate me
I miss the dark building that cut me and hurt me
Because there I was accepted and here I am ridiculed
And I am in selfish pain
But I am happy

Happy with myself

Fool's Reflection

Oh how I dare to stare at you

You fool

A reflection in the mirror

For I am the seer

But not the Believer

I do not believe the clear reflection

The lights reflecting back in my direction

As I turn the corner

I see myself as a foreigner

Smudges covering my skin

My confidence wearing thin

Streaks being integrated into my face

No matter how much I try to erase

From every angle and view

A see something new

But not shining and bright

But blinding like an unwanted light

Directly into my eyes

But yet I stare

At how unfair

This mirror taunts me

Showing me what I could never be

Word Limit

Length

A second dimension

Beyond my idea of comprehension

A word limit

All the ones that were cut off, not able to be in it

They cry and they weep

As they sit in a heep

In my trash can

Being Banned

From the page which they seek

Their future is very bleak

Endless thoughts

Always getting caught

On the page

Only to be erased

I weep for those words

Who will never be heard