Alice, It' All in your Head

Madness Madness they say

The ticking and tocking of the clocks inside my head

Counting down the minutes until I will be dead 

I scream and yell and shake my bed

Wrenching out "She wants my head!!"

The rabbit yells to me in dread

A happy unbirthday to me because by the next I will be dead

With the flowers of painted red 

Crimson red

Blood red

The hatter drinking from what was bled

The blood the blood all in my head

It runs and flow wide spread

From the bloody red queen I am condemned 

Never to see the paths ahead

The cackles and laughter of the cat over head

In my head These images embed 

"I'm late I'm late!" Rattles through my head 

No matter how much I plead

"No not the meds not the meds!!!"

She's  crazy they all  said

Just the average screw head

Though many more left unsaid

As I am left trapped in this bed

So to the wonderland I was mislead 

Where my nightmares cause me to fled

Where my feet will fall to lead 

Stopped in my tracks left no more to tread

Left without a single friend

No more of my time to lend 

Madness Madness they say

The ticking and tocking of the clocks inside my head

Counting down the minutes until I will be... 

Dead

Right of Speech

I have the right to speak

I have the right to talk about my opinions

Even if not without oppression

I do so without much suspicion

Harbored by the government that my words

That my words will change everything

Not scared that I will bring about a poet’s revolution

Or a too many words or vowels pollution

I have a right to speak out

And flaunt my words about

Not caging them in a cold demise

But bringing them out into this world of ears and eyes

Big bright, brown eyes of wonder

And a loud voice that rings out like gentle thunder

That is my sister

A little girl so sweet that every night before she goes to bed I kiss her

Sweet dreams little girl

Let your imagination uncurl

Coloring every blank page

Singing all your songs like you are on a stage

Bringing about whatever you seek to life

Never sitting in the lap of strive

And oppression

And depression

For you are not in fear of your words

Raining down around you like swords

But chiming out your chitter chatter

Never thinking twice about how much it matters

Because her words are free

Just as they righteously should be

In America we speak many languages

But one thing for each is the same

Our words are free

Free as liberty

Our conversation is not limited by law

Our creativity never cut off

Our words never rejected

But always protected

What we speak is our own

Each tiny thought a blossom grown

It reaches your lips and your tongue

Reaching out towards the light of the sun

Waiting to be expressed

Waiting to be possessed

Waiting to be heard

Waiting to fly free like a bird

A word is a bird

That can be locked away never even muttered

But here

A key is always near

To set this bird in flight

Calling out with all of its might

The government has a reserve

A wildlife preserve

For our words

They won't go extinct

They will remain proud and distinct

They will ring out into the absurd world

Letting all their sounds and rhythms uncurl

For they free

Thanks to the rights that allow me

To speak and read my poetry

The Butterfly

I’m sitting here,

In my room,

Looking into my mirror

Turning to leave

I look back and think

Is my hair all done?

Are my clothes all right?

If they aren't so it wouldn't be quite alright  

Are my eyes painted?

And my face primed?

Add a little more shine

Hoping for a twinkle in another person's eye

I strive each day to look my best

Never like a crawled out of bed kind of mess

Where I’m all made up

With nothing wrong

My flaws masked

My mistakes erased

By this layer upon my face

Each tiny hair pinned back

Or lying flat

With a sticky layer of chemicals ensuring that

Going out is one thing
But sitting at home and feeling a tug 
To put on the paint and powder 
So you don't have to look in a mirror at yourself  is another 

The scars on my heart hidden by my shirt

The clawing words held in the cage of my teeth when I smile

It makes me kind of sick

And ill

To think that if I looked really real

I would be judged.

I would be unaccepted

I would be…

Ugly.

I would be that one ugly duck

In a crowd of swans

Except people would remember the ugly duck me

Not the swan I am supposed to be

Society has a fine set of definitions for beauty

They seem to change like Ohio weather

Constantly and Unexpectedly

I'm waiting for the trend to change

Till the time when I can be me

And be accepted

By not only the ones I love

But everyone

Aren’t we all beautiful…

But only seen that way if we try.

To fit into a category.

I’m not supposed to fit

Stick by Stick

And Brick by Brick

To fit the stereotype

I’m not supposed to..

Hold in my stomach until I can't breathe

Not eat until I starve

Stick up my chest and stick out my butt

To walk, as an attractive duck

A show pony on display

A trophy wife in the window

A pretty puppet putting on a show

Knowing it won’t ever end not even tomorrow

I love dressing up too

And wearing make up

But the sad thing is

Without such things

I feel naked, revealed

And ugly

Even to myself

Others help and compliment

But I somehow still hear snickering behind my back

A Whisper in my mind

But I suck it up and say I'm fine

When my insides are bleeding paint

And I’m sneezing power

My skin bare

As I try to shave away every little invisible hair

These are all hoaxes

A fake ID

To allow us to fit into society

When we are all in a masquerade

Playing hide and seek with our selves

Hiding from who we are

Waiting to be found

It’s even worse to say

Thanks to you society

For making us feel this way

The guinea pigs of your social experiment

To raise profits on hiding other’s potentials

And pushing them into the darkness of self-judgment

Others say it’s us

That it’s just us for feeling insecure

If you were raised from the day you were born

To mainly look pretty

You would understand

With branding around you saying, you can be better

And superhuman, surgically modified, Models

Where even images we adore are faked, manipulated and sham-Ed

Because the models themselves aren't good enough

What a lie

That we hold so close

That no matter who you are

You could be better

When we were young

Barbie and Disney princesses

At some point we wanted to be

Even those tiny books
that we got for puberty

With the charts all draw
Spell out how to shave and trim and keep your body
not every once saying- you are beautiful 
Just a mute whisper of- you can be better

Let's stop with this isolation, damnation, and poverty 
of our own self confidence
with an economy of inflated consciousness 

There is such a small line between 
Too little or too much
Of all this powder and fluff 
Taking in the fear of hate
Pushing us to the point to recreate
Our own faces 

We only keep doing this because we are Being pricked and prodded
Being pinned to the wall with comments begin jabbed in our hearts into our heads

Does the bareness of my face make your decisions?

Do the clothes I wear determine your fate?

Do the hairs upon my legs determine your future? 
A butterfly effect but with something I choose to control 
because just like a butterfly 
I am beautiful 
and unique
and colorful

We have our natural beauty just as them
They don't need paints and dyes to fill in the flaws of their own wings 
So why do we need it for our own skin
We are more durable than delicate stained glass wings 
We are more proud a then every beat upon those wings

But yet as it flies free, showing its talent 
we hide in our rooms, in layers of clothing, and behind layers of paint and powder 
to mimic another 

As the butterfly grows it become more open, more free

And more embracing of itself
but we as humans

Go backwards

We start, young and happy

And free

Then slowly revert

Back to our cocoons

Back to our paper walls of power and paint
a mask of mâché to cover our face 
 

Not All Life is Visible

Life,

The definition is the animate existence of an individual

With deeper thinking this could become quite critical

With our own thoughts it would become mythical or biblical

But not all life is visible 

Yes, we have a many moments

A 1st grade birthday party

A hard chemistry exam

A high school graduation

A date with the one you love

An unexpected day that you had dreamed or dread to come

By the definition of life

I am alive

That is that I survive

I move

I breathe

I don't have to feel

To be considered alive

But for me to consider myself to be alive

I must strive

Never taking a test drive

A choice coming from me

Always thinking what I could be

Life,

The definition is the animate existence of an individual 

Never thinking once, how it could be miserable

Yet, life for me

Is not the same for you

There is nothing for me to do

To feel the way that you do

I can't understand the hopeless feeling
you get every day when you realized 
you woke up
not endlessly falling in nonexistence

A part of life where death is better

Twisting and turning the invisible rope in your hands

Dealing with death, the invisible dance

Juggling the pills bottles in your thoughts

Hoping the intention never comes across

A trigger of a gun being ticked by imaginary fingers

A feeling of dread starting to linger

As crying blood flows from slits and slices 
that run from razors cut sharp and hopeless

As your life is a vice 
holding you locked in place

I don't see a room of people 
like the guillotine stage 
or the hanging tree

Where one wrong word and

Every fake smile and glassy eye
with turn toward you with hands of knives 
And cut though you 
shredding you to ribbons

I don't experience the addiction 
Of adrenaline for alcohol
The crave for crack 
The hype for heroine
The madness for meth
How is tears at your insides
Like a monster in your blood
Wanting more and more and more

I don't see what scars are hidden under your clothes 
the pills that you hold close
the endless battles ranging in your head 
causing you to pull your own skin

A shine of hope shattered

Your whole world battered

Your life torn and tattered

Until you begin to flood
Go head under water 
Unable to breathe
some surface just scared and confused 
while others never surface

Stuck down in their own deep lagoon 

We are all missing pieces
shards of our mirrors

So our reflection though reflected is altered

With a bit of flawed perfection 

Even with background noise or radio static 
the good or bad accusations bleed to the the top of your life

Staining you

As bad memory

Like an intricate tattoo 

I don't know your way of life

Though one things holds us all true

We all die.

We all drop the burdening stones in our life

Leaving the sack of skin to hang on a coat rack

As we step away from our life we worked so hard at

To whatever happens next

A leap into the void

Or more so, an unwanted push

Free Falling

With no nets to catch me

I am gone

This for me, is fear

Fear, the definition,

An unpleasant emotion

Caused by the belief

That someone or something

Is dangerous,

Likely to cause pain,

Or a threat.

Though this is not a thing

Or a person

It is the essence of nothing

But is nothing, something?

It was nothing, until we gave it a name

Then it is something

This something as a nothing

Manifested in my brain

Forming images of my own grave

How years from now after I've passed

The only things left of me

Is a name on a rock

Of course most of us has this as fear

So less about that and more about me

Me and my anxiety

Such little ticks and tocks cause my brain to work like a clock

My blood running with an electric shock

Move fast body parts clash

Moving always in a dash

Get this done here, that done there

Quick quick

Back forth

Always forward

Do, don't, done, did, doing

How?! Now?!

What?! Where?! Why?! When?! Who?!

What am I going to do?

A fear, stuck to my DNA

Sewn into my brain

An anxiety

A fear, stuck inside me

Strangling me until I can't breathe

A struggle, with me crawling on hands and knees

Until I have cried with bloody tears

A fear...

Life,

The definition is the animate existence of an individual

But not all life is visible

For I am alive

But half dead

With this fear, stuck in my head

Sanctuary

My poetry
My sanctuary
A temple safe from reality

Do not take your stone axes to these pillars I have carved
For this is my home land and not yours

You don't have to bow down or adore
Look right over there is the door
Leave

As I stand here and believe in the power of my words
Granted to me the scriptures

That was made up in my head
With all these sayings to shed

A bird molting old feathers to grow anew
A scab forming in order to heal

A place for me to reside
When I have no one to stand beside

A voice out to people
About the loneliness in my steeple

A shiver down my spine
Whenever I imagine something so divine
Not divinity from the above heavens

As this world rapes away my virginity
But not the kind played out in back alleys or in a bed
But the ideas and thoughts running through the dark passages in my head

Have you seen these lines under my eyes
And seen how much I have tried

Limping forward with both arms numb
Trying to carry all I have done

My family, friends and lovers have bleed
To have my head covered in lead

To lock in all these uncomfortable feelings
To stop me from believing

And here I kneel at the pew
Crying and screaming and trying to decide what to do

Climbing the steps
I stumble and slip and fall

Dear god help me
For I am falling
I do not fear the fall its self
But what happens after

My story can't end yet
I can't just let my words go
Lingering here for this show
Of my emotions and beliefs

For I have a personal poetic prophecy
And without it I am lost you see
My words are my bible
And my tongue speaking my gospel

I will travel
And dapple
In all others stories and desperate cries
As I hold my poems to me even as I die

Poetry is my sanctuary
It keeps me from losing my sanity
Allowing my words to be spilled out on a page

It holds me close as I cry
And allows me to continue trying
To fit my tiny sanctuary
Into this crazy reality